Just a heads up this story begins with a Transwoman commiting suicide. If you have thoughts or are considering suicide please call 800-273-8255 for Lifeline or directly 877-565-8860 for Trans Lifeline.
Her head crashes into the pillow on the bed. Colors wash away from the room cascading into the ground and dissolve, leaving the room in tones of gray. She feels the last tear burn her cheek as it fell. A numbness began spreading from her chest then pulsed to her extremeties. She stared at the now colorless room waiting for the darkness.
An obsidian mist began to flow upwards through the cracks in the floorboards. As more mist came, it began creeping towards the girl, only then did she begin to feel fear. The girl struggled to scream or run, but she could not move. So she lay there waiting for the mist to reach her and accept her fate. The mist shaped itself until a hooded figure stood by her. The girl winced not knowing what was reaching towards her. The creature’s hand touched her and she leapt back.
Finally the girl regained control of her body and she ran to the corner of the room. The creature no longer seemed very interested in her. The figure reached for something on the nightstand adjacent to her bed. The figure pulled an almost empty pill bottle from the cluttered tabletop. “You must have been in great pain. I am sorry for how you have suffered.”
“What are you? What is going on?” The girl trembled and began to slide down in the corner of the room till her body sat on the ground.
“I don’t mean to frighten you. I am visiting hoping I can ease your pain in some way.” The figure floated towards her. “I see the people of this world don’t see you for who you are. They say you are weak, they say that you shouldn’t be who you are, they say you are a young man. I see the beautiful and strong woman you truly are.”
The girl buried her face in her arms. “So I did it this time?”
The hood of the figure nodded. “The door there,” the figure gestured to her bedroom door, “Once you go through that door you will be in the next life, if that is your wish.”
“If I wish?”
“I would like to show you something if you would allow me to.” the figure held out one of its sleeves for the girl to grab onto. She did and she felt them disappear into nothingness and reform into a room she had never seen before. They were in a room filled with color. The window was open and the breeze blew the light curtains in letting the radiant sun into the room. That’s when the girl saw a beautiful woman enter the room in a faded blue sundress. The girl looked closer at the woman.
“Do I know her?” the figure nodded, but did not provide further detail.
The woman looked as if she was yelling into the next room, while she was trying to put in a pair of earrings. No sound left her lips, so the girl was unsure what was going on. She looked up towards the figure, “They cannot hear us and we cannot hear them.” The girl returned to look at the scene before her.
A man entered the room with his tie improperly tied and off centered. The woman laughed and began fixing the tie. The man smiled and after the woman was finished brought the woman in close to him for a kiss. She pushed him off, smiled at the man, and pointed out the door to gesture him to get going.
“There is more to see, may we continue?”
They appeared in a classroom, with students around the age of 12. The same woman entered the room and sat at the desk in the front of the classroom. The kids were all seated in the room calmly. The woman stood up and wrote on the board at the front of the classroom. ‘Essay Prompt: Why is it important to love yourself as you truly are?’
A young boy raised his hand and appeared to ask a question. The woman nodded and gestured towards the door. The boy ran out of the classroom at a rushed and hurried pace. The woman laughed and appeared to begin talking about the assignment. Moments later the boy returned with several balloons, flowers and quite a few adults. One carrying a cake saying ‘Teacher of the Year: Mrs. Hope’.
The woman began crying and all the kids swarmed her in a big group hug.
“There is one last thing I want you to see.”
“Can we stay here, just one more moment?”
The figure nodded and they stood there watching the scene. The woman took pictures and gave each person in the room a hug. Her eyes were getting puffy from the tears, but she was so filled with joy, and in turn it filled the girl with joy.
“We can go now.” The girl smiled up at the friendly figure.
They appeared back to the room they entered before. The woman was in bed typing on her computer with her glasses on the tip on nose. Her husband was lying next to her seemingly asleep. The woman looked closer at her computer screen with a look of shock on her face. She reached over and began hitting her husband to wake him up. Both of their faces lit up, the woman threw her laptop towards the end of the bed and the Husband grabbed her to hold her close.
“Look at the laptop.” The figure suggested.
On the laptop, there was an email containing a picture of a little boy, probably 6 years old. The email read, ‘I am so happy to tell you that the paperwork has been filed and you are now Danny’s new forever family. There are some final paperwork and resources you will need to come to my office to get and sign sometime this week, but Danny should be with you by Saturday. Congratulations Mom and Dad!’
The girl began to cry. What was this life she was looking at? Why was she so happy for this woman? Why did her heart feel so full? “Who is that woman?” the girl turned to the figure.
“Look over there.” The figure pointed to the table. There was a frame hand decorated and had far too much glitter. The title at the top of the frame read ‘My Birthdays’. Two pictures lay in the frame. One was the woman in a hospital gown, smiling with an Iv attached to her arm. The other was very familiar to the little girl. “This is a picture of me.”
The figure nodded.
“Is that woman…” the girl paused in disbelief, “Me?”
The figure nodded and the girl ran up to hug him.
The scene vanished in an instance and they appeared back in the gray room where their journey began. The girl sat on the floor, and the figure sat across from her.
“What did you just show me?”
“I showed you a happy day in your life.”
“What does that mean? Am I not dead?”
“You are dead, but you don’t have to stay that way. You haven’t moved on yet. When I saw you and your pain I wanted to you show you that life was not just the pain you had been put through.”
“How do I know this is real? How do I know this isn’t some drug dream?”
“You don’t. You may choose to believe me when I say that you will one day live that very day we saw. You may also choose to not believe me and walk through the next life. The decision is difficult, even I do not know what lies beyond that door. It may be peace and it may be suffering, it could very well be nothingness. No one can say for certain. You may also return to your bed and wake up in the morning like this was all a dream. Your life will be a difficult one. What I showed you may be real and it may not be. You have to decide if the potential for the good day is worth the pain of the hard days. This is your decision, but I do want you to see one last thing. Walk over to the mirror in the corner of the room.”
The girl walked to the mirror and when she gazed in the mirror, who she saw in there was someone she had never seen before. The girl’s boyish features no longer there, no baggy shirt and basketball shorts. Instead there was a young girl with a ponytail wearing a faded blue sundress.
“That is who you really are. The body that you were born with is not wrong it is just a small, small part of who you are. You know who you are and you must not doubt that based on what others say. My girl, those who can only believe what they see cannot tell you who you are.”
The girl held the figure. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. What will you decide?”
“I’m gonna believe that things can get better, and I am going to see what I can do to make things better. Goodbye my friend.”
“I look forward to hearing about your life.”
The girl lay in her bed and the colors returned to the world around her. She sat up slowly and rubbed her eyes. She reached for her phone and dialed: 877-565-8860. The figure then began to evaporate and all she was left with was her memory.
Later this week I will be posting about why I wrote this story as it is one that means a lot to me. Please feel free to come back and check it out. Again, if you have thoughts or are considering suicide please call 800-273-8255 for Lifeline or directly 877-565-8860 for Trans Lifeline.
Feel free to follow my social media for more updates. After the post on Thursday I will not post again till November 1st for my start to NaNoWriMo post.